Self(ish)- love

The school girls’ washroom is always a great gossip hub. Ours had two sections, one for the female teachers and one for the female students. The teachers' section however apart from just cubicles and basins also had mirrors. So, girls would often sneak in to take a peek at themselves. Once while my trip to the washroom, I encountered something intriguing. Some girls were checking themselves in the mirror when girl 1 said that she thought she looked great that day. On hearing that, girl 2 rolled her eyes, ‘narcissist’ her eyes said. Girl 3 caught the second girl and narrowed her eyes at her, ‘jealous’ her eyes said. So, basically according to girl 2, girl one was being a narcissist and according to girl 3, she was just showing some self-love.

Wait, what is the difference you ask? Well, let’s find out.

The word narcissism was originally derived from Greek. It is based on Greek mythology, and I would certainly not deprive you of such a fun legend. So, here it goes.

Narcissus was the son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Liriope. He was well known for his beauty and many fell in love with him but he rejected them all. Once, while hunting, a nymph called Echo spotted him and like many others before her, fell in love. However, after confessing, she too was rejected and was left devastated. Soon the goddess of revenge heard of this and decided to punish narcissus and led him to a pond, where he fell in love with his own reflection in the water and is said to have died gazing at it, and hence the word narcissism, the act of excessive self-obsession.

Narcissism is not only a trait but also a disorder, known as, narcissistic personality disorder, people with such disorder, tend to lack empathy and hence have poor relations. Someone suffering from NPD has a strong need for attention and admiration and thinks they require special treatment. As much as we would like to pity someone suffering from a disorder, this disorder causes people around them much more harm than it does to themselves. There is hardly 1% of people all over the world suffering from this disease and though therapy can help, this disorder is mostly not curable.

Though what causes NPD? Let us first learn the science behind it.

The outer part of the brain, the cerebral cortex, usually identifies with functions such as self-awareness, self-control, and regulation of emotions such as empathy and compassion. During some studies, it was found that in people suffering from NPD the thickness of the cerebral cortex, gray matter, was much less. Hence the conclusion that the thickness of gray matter is inversely proportional to the degree of narcissism.

However this neurobiology is only a part of it. For many the cause could be psychological such as their relationship with their parents as a child. Excessive appreciation or criticism from parents at a tender age can also lead to NPD. For others, it could be merely a case of inherited genes.

So, basically, having NPD isn’t in their hands. Does that mean we should pity them? or feel sorry for them? All of this could merely be an act to hide their fear of never being good enough. Loving themselves because no one else did. An attempt to be noticed by pushing others below because they fear they can never rise above. A wall to protect their insecurities. I do feel sorry for them, because narcissist are the single most lonely people. They have all but themselves. However, is it worth getting involved if it’s only going to hurt you and emotionally ruin you? According to me, the answer is no. This was one of the toughest questions I had to answer. However, I believe walking on fire just to reach the end of a cliff, is a futile effort. Yes, we should try helping them. But, one cannot help who doesn’t want to be helped. Only get involved to the extent where it’s reasonable. My best advice, get them professional help. But do not aid to the toxicity by getting involved.

I understand that some of you by now already have particular people in your head or many have even started worrying the same of themselves. However that might just be self-love.

So to differentiate narcissism from self-love, let’s remember these easy points:

1. A narcissist usually has a magnified self-image and loves themselves for this pseudo image. Whereas self-love is when you appreciate yourself for your real image.
2. A narcissist believes that they are perfect and have no flaws, they may believe in the existence of those flaws but are in constant denial. Whereas a self-lover accepts and understands their flaws as well.
3. Narcissists believe themselves as above and more important than the people around them and treat them without empathy and toxically. However, the ability to self-love does not interfere with your feelings, respect, or ability to treat the people around you.

I hope these will help you understand those people as well as yourself much better. But enough about how not to be a narcissist. Let us see if you love yourself enough.

Below is the the Rosenberg self-esteem scale, it was developed by Morris Rosenberg and is widely used to calculate a person’s self esteem. Below are 10 questions. Answer each question by selecting one of the following four options :

Strongly Agree |Agree| Disagree| Strongly Disagree

Give “Strongly Disagree” 1 point, “Disagree” 2 points, “Agree” 3 points, and “Strongly Agree” 4 points. Apart from question 1, 2, 4, 6 and 7 which are reversely scored.

ROSENBERG SELF-ESTEEM SCALE

1. I feel that I’m a person of worth, at least on an equal plane with others.

2. I feel that I have a number of good qualities.

3. I am inclined to feel that I am a failure.

4. I am able to do things as well as most other people.

5. I feel I do not have much to be proud of.

6. I take a positive attitude towards myself.

7. On the whole, I am satisfied with myself.

8. I certainly feel useless at times.

9. I wish I had more respect for myself.

10. At times I think I am no good at all.

Scoring:

Score between 15–25 are regarded as a healthy self esteem.

Score below 15, suggests low self-esteem.

So, finally for those who want to achieve self-love without approaching narcissism, here are some tips :

1. Do not hold on to your mistakes.

2. Accept your flaws and work on them.

3. Don’t compare yourself to others.

4. Appreciate your small wins.

5. Understand your potential.

6. Do the little things that bring you joy.

To end, which of the girls’ do you think was right?

P.S. They were both my conscience.

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” — Brené Brown

“You can teach a narcissist to show up on time, but you can’t train them to listen once they get there.” — Dr. Ramani Durvasula